Craig Menzies 2.0

Published in Victoria’s Monday Magazine

Or, 10 Things Not to Do at a Literary Festival

By CRAIG MENZIES

As you may or may not know, the Manulife Literary Festival is rolling back into town again this Thursday. Once more, we have many prestigious and popular authors coming to speak to the public about their books and their lives. Amongst others, guests include Rohinton Mistry, author of A Fine Balance (or “Boy, It Must Suck to Live in India”) and newcomer Michael Crummey, author of The River Thieves (or “Boy, It Must Suck to Live in Newfoundland”)—both of whom are representative of the School of Literary Misery, the current trend in Canadian fiction which seems to preclude the possibility of characters getting to the end of a book without being raped, lobotomized, crippled, diseased, involved in incest or, in one horrifying case, forcibly drugged and castrated (shudder). I don’t know, but for some reason I prefer that sometimes a book not leave me in the fetal position, rocking in the corner.

And so to take the edge off all of the literary seriousness, I’ve decided to debunk the myth that public book readings are dull and pedantic and have compiled a brief etiquette guide in the hopes that this will help to enhance the general Literary Festival goers’ experience. (Note: The following is a satire. Please do not take anything below this line seriously . . . except the part about the snacks.)

• Arrive fashionably late. That way the authors take notice of you while they’re reading.

• Converse freely, the louder the better. These events are all about the open exchange of ideas, so make sure you share yours with anyone sitting nearby.

• Don’t read anything beforehand. By no means should you have read any of the featured author’s books, or know anything about them at all, except maybe the latest media stories (because those are always a trustworthy source of factual information).

• Act like a surly poet. Brush up on key phrases like, “I think [insert successful author here] is so overrated” and “Whom do you have to kill to get a glass of absinthe around here?” Be sure to only speak to important people like the bartenders.

• Wear corduroy, lots of it.

• Bring your own snacks. For some reason, the promoters always forget to offer the tasty treats which make your Cineplex experience so enjoyable.

• Videotape the whole show. Don’t worry about tedious little rules like copyright and personal privacy.

• Get it in writing. If you don’t have a book handy, get your favourite author to sign a cocktail napkin instead, which can easily be slipped inside the cover of your inexpensive remaindered copy later.

• Engage the author. When attending a book reading or author’s talk, be sure to make full use of the question period to pose many provocative and stimulating questions like, “Is your work autobiographical?” (sub-question: “Is your father/mother/brother/sister really like that?”), “How does it feel to be a writer?” (sub-question: “How does it feel to be a gay/black/female/lesbian/etc. writer?”) or “How did you get published?” (sub-question: “Can I meet your agent?”)

• Clearly establish the proper context for a question by engaging in a lengthy preamble about your own interests and aspirations, paying particular attention to any writing groups or workshops you might have attended. Also, if you’ve got some ideas of your own for a book, take this valuable time to share these ideas with the crowd and featured speakers. (End satire)

But above all, have fun and revel in the fact that “Canadian Literature” is no longer an oxymoron.